I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
