I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
