It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
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