Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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