You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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