By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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