Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
