It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
