At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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