Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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