We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
