Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
