Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
