I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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