I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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