$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
