Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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