haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Randomize
