Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
