I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
