Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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