doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
