i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
