Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
