who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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