He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
