I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
