So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
