his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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