Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
