when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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