I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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