Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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