He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
