Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
