I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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