No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
