I'm lost and stupid without you.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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