Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
