remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
