Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
