you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I touched a dick in church today
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
