upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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