I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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