A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
