I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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