Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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