I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
