We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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