Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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