How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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