She went from zero to smokin in five shots
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
